Perspective on Transition

Some of my friends have some major changes and transitions going on in their lives. I suppose I do, too, coming from grad school and working to get my very first salaried position. It just doesn't seem to compare to the transitions I'm seeing around me. My boyfriend just moved his baby brother (his best friend) to his first out of state long-term home. While he was there, he found out one of his favorite coworkers may be losing his job. Today, while shopping for a bridal shower gift for one friend, and shoes for her wedding, I got a call from another stating that the last living grandparent for her and her husband's families had died under very tragic circumstances. Another family friend suddenly lost her grandmother, 2 weeks before the birth of her first child. Weddings, funerals, bridal and baby showers, graduations, unemployment, relocations...weight loss in and of itself seems so superficial compared to these things. For a long time, I've put taking care of myself on the backburner to other priorities: spending time with friends, completing grad school, seeing family, lazing around feeling lonely (yes, there have been many times when feeling lonely seemed to be a priority). The thing is, taking care of myself does not have to mean I'm neglecting these other facets of my life...I just haven't yet learned how to do both. Some family members encouraged me to not do the diet now, because I am in transition. I don't know what to think about that. Isn't life just one big transition? If I wait to do something until I'm out of transition, will I ever do it? Probably not. Sometimes, the timing doesn't seem right, the method isn't right, nothing really seems right. Sometimes transitions are thrust upon us, sometimes it's a choice we make, and people can be hurt along the way. I wish life didn't have so much pain mixed in with the beauty. I wish we didn't have to be so busy, so we could focus on our relationships, on being healthy, and on making other people happy. I wish I had a wise way to tie this post together.
S, your support in my attempts to get healthier have been invaluable to me. I only hope I can be as supportive to you during this difficult time. I feel like I can't do enough to show as much support to you as you have for me.

Week 4--DONE

I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already. There have been some rough days, but in many ways, today this feels like the easiest diet I've been on...which sounds weird to say. The choice has been taken away from me, so I'm just going through the motions, and getting results! I am reminding myself daily that this IS the easy part...the hard part comes when I have more choice and less monitoring. Then I will have to keep reminding myself to go through the motions. I've never been one to eat what was on a set menu for diets...too picky. I'm tired of being picky, but not sure I will be able to just pop out of this diet liking a variety of foods.

Weekly observations:
- development of batwings
- somewhere around 5 inches lost off the waist and 4 at the hips, total at this point
- Now at a lower weight than last summer, before the 2nd year of grad school weight
- survived another party
- exercise is easier. I'm not extra hungry after exercising at a light to moderate intensity for 30 mins
- blood pressure is decreasing (was around 128/85 before diet, now around 117/70)
- pulse has decreased from 85 before diet to 70-75
- 4 week photos (posted) show the loss, especially in the face. I can see my eyes in pictures again
- bra is starting to have extra room in it
- Not feeling the need to seek out ok'ed snack foods as much
- I look slightly evil in the before picture...perhaps some gluttony showing?

New Pictures- 4 weeks of Liquid Diet, 19 lbs lost (per my scale)

So here's my first comparison shot. Huzzah, I don't look as swollen anymore! No wonder there have been batwings emerging. So glad I started this before C's wedding.

Batwings!!

I think I got cocky. I thought, hey, I'm pretty young, and too big for what's good for me, but have less than 100 lbs to lose, my skin will be ok, right? Well, that may be true in the long run, but here I am, 4 weeks into the program, and I made the mistake of raising my arms to a "T" position. Lo and behold: batwings! Where did they come from??? When did my arms get that big to begin with, much less get small enough to make them saggy? I'm kind of happy because it reminds me that I'm "deflating" but I just can't believe they were full 4 weeks ago!

Weigh-In

Weigh in was Tuesday this week because of the holiday. Well, weighing in earlier in the day I was hoping to show more of a loss. I wore stretch pants (jeans last 2 weeks) and didn't even have my shake before the meeting, just coffee and some water. Forgot to take my shoes off like I do for most weigh-ins. Down 2.4 lbs for the week, officially, which is a bit sad because the scale at home showed down 4 lbs. Darn you, coffee and shoes! I guess I just wanted the official record to say, SEE? I didn't cheat at the party! It was torture, but I didn't.
Instead, I had
5 sticks sugarfree gum
1 pickle slice
1/2 cup sugarfree Jello
1 flavor pack (crystal light type)
2 splendas in my coffee.
...plus the 4 shakes. What's sad (or happy?) is that this is what now constitutes a binge day for me.

So, now I'm hoping next week's weigh in to mark one month on the plan will be a big one. I am going to make sure that the exercise I get this week is aerobic and planned, and not just activity. I did decide not to add in weights yet, because I want to see how my body handles the aerobic exercise first. I did 1/2 hour at the gym today, per plan, and did not get extra hungry or lightheaded, so that's a good sign. We'll see what the planned working out does for the weight loss and body fat this week.

Graduation Party=Torture

So far during my 25 days on the diet, I've been through some special occasions, and came out happier. I made it through graduation. Today, however, I attended my cousin's high school graduation party. His brother's party was held at the same location and I helped with the food, and ate, and ate, and ate. Today I didn't have that defense. I didn't know too many people there, so I didn't have many people to talk to. I couldn't stand to help with the food. It was sitting there taunting me. Buckeye candy...right there on the table, a snack so tempting I didn't even allow myself to make them at Christmas this year. Meat. Cheese. Oh how I want cheese. Started biting the insides of my cheeks because of how much I wanted food. I went out to the car and I had my shake. I went for a walk. I came back. I felt tortured. I asked my Dad if we could leave soon, and he said ok. I waited. I went for another walk. I looked at pictures. I felt tortured. I did the math in my mind of how much I want to lose and when. I tried to talk to people. 3 hours later I came home (2 hour drive) and made a shake into biscuits. STILL feel tortured. Ate an off-plan pickle. Ate sugar free jello. Had gum. WANT MEAT! Everything smells like beef stew and I want it.

I Feel Pretty

I went out clothes shopping yesterday. I got a lovely zippered sweatshirt from Old Navy. I've been looking forward to losing weight partially because it will open up shopping at less expensive stores for me again. Well...it's not QUITE time for Old Navy yet. While they do have a decent selection of plus sizes compared to other stores, my sweatshirt in size 2X pulls over the stomach a bit.
So I hopped over to Lane Bryant, pretty much the only place I've shopped in years. What a difference from my last shopping expedition a few months ago!! At that time, I was having a hard time deciding between the shirts in 14/16 and the ones in 18/20. The 14/16s fit through the shoulders, but the 18/20s didn't pull over the stomach. I went with the 18/20s. Yesterday, however, I was definitely back in the 14/16s. The tunics even fit over my hips (albeit without too much room to spare).
They had dresses. I haven't worn a dress since my friend's wedding 2 years ago. There just aren't many that are cut well in plus sizes, not to mention ouch ouch thighs rubbing. So, I tried on a couple in size 18. Cuuuuute! I ordered one in a size 16 (there weren't any in stock), because the top was a little loose and, hey, the back is stretchy and the skirt full! It made me feel so pretty and feminine, which is something I lose the more weight I gain. Can't wait til it arrives and I have a chance to wear it.

Intestinal distress= fun? This whole post is TMI

I haven't really gotten into much detail about the intestinal parts of this diet. Basically, the first week, there was indeed some intestinal distress, and it's pretty much gone now. However, because this diet has no fiber (unless you get the "chocolate with fiber" beverage), pooping can be an issue for some people. It's not too much of a problem for me, except all of a sudden I will have to poo. The scary part of it is...I get excited about that, because it makes me think, hey, maybe I would've weighed in a little less if I'd done this BEFORE weigh-in. Yeahhh...that's a little extreme.

Week 3-- Made it through

I have to say, I think week 3 has been both the most challenging and most rewarding so far. I have had more temptations and more opportunities to eat and make excuses to eat than I had before. I've also had more noticable changes that are helping to motivate me to keep going.

First, the bad:
~I've realised that my cravings could easily get out of control. Today, I wanted a box of white cheddar cheese nips (or cheese its, can't remember which, but I would've settled for either since what I wanted was the box on my boyfriend's table in front of me). I wanted to sit down in front of the TV and eat the whole box. Of course, my intestines would have exploded. I got so tempted that I indulged more than I have so far. I had a corner of a cheese nip, a tiny sliver of a cookie, and 4 or 5 pickle slices. I told myself I could have as many pickles as I needed to keep me from attacking the box of cheese nips/its/devilfood. Good news? The box is still there, with cheese nip things inside of it.
~Some people are still pressuring me to go off plan, and seem to eager to make excuses for me if I do. I don't need that. I need support to get to my goal and forgiveness if I stray without anyone's help. That, followed by support to get back on plan and make it to my relatively modest goal of 60 lbs off.
~I've been having more trouble getting in all my water. I think less water is probably related to the cravings.
~I've had a couple of higher blood pressure readings
~I don't have as much strength and energy as I had before the diet
~I get pretty dizzy when I go from squatting to standing

The good:
~Still no migraines
~Acid is calming down. I have not taken an antacid in days
~The pounds are still dropping off. At my unofficial weigh-in today, I was down a total of 15.2 lbs, which puts me 1/4 of the way to goal.
~My jeans are loose (see post below)
~The skin on my upper stomach is starting to get flabbier because it's not as full of fat (mixed blessing). I can actually see that it's now more, well, lumpy. The skin is not as smooth, because it's deflating.
~I'm starting to feel more optimistic about being able to wear non-plus size clothes again, maybe in the next couple of months?
~I made it through graduation without any major off-plan eating, despite so many excuses to do so (i.e. only food for lunch was DOUGHNUTS, sheesh, people...not even any water!)
~My sister provided her fuel belt (for running) to help me stay on plan as well as possible for graduation. THANK YOU!
~My family made changes to dinner plans (Chinese instead of Italian) to make things easier on me, and supported me in just having broth.

The Big Jeans

Today I was wearing the jeans that sparked my decision to start this plan. About 5-6 weeks ago I was wearing these jeans, the biggest one I'd ever bought, when I was out working on a paper at a coffee shop. They felt so tight, so uncomfortable, that I left the coffee shop to buy a pair of stretch pants. I changed into them so I could be comfortable enough to work.

Today I took off the jeans without unbuttoning them.

Old Pictures

I was looking at old pictures, and came across a couple from my Europe trip 5 years ago (wow...sounds so long!!). I was 195 lbs or so before going on the trip, and came back at 180 2 months later. In the pictures I look so relaxed, tan, blonde, thin (for me) and happy. There's such a change in how I look from pics taken the first week to the last few weeks. And the amount I lost in that trip is the amount I've lost so far! I'm just waiting for the 4 week mark to re-do my "before" picture poses and see the difference. One more week! I just hope when I get to that 180 point again I'm appropriately excited and not down on myself for still being overweight, cause staring at 180 from 217, 180 looks daggone pretty. Biggest difference?? You see my FACE instead of my neck.

Waist not want not

I measured my waist yesterday. I tried positioning the tape in many different ways, parallel to the floor at my navel, like it was at my initial appointment. The largest measurement I could get was 2 inches less than my initial measurement. So that's kinda cool...2 inches in 2 weeks.

Day 17: Graduation weekend report

So, the big weekend is over, and not too many slips. I'm on New Direction FF, which is shakes only. My family had a big get together (13 people) for the Cleveland Kids' Run (night before the marathon) on Saturday. I made my shake in the car between events, but felt a bit weak from walking around for 3.5 hours. Afterward we went to a Chinese restaurant, and I didn't feel like I could have my shake, so I got the wonton soup and just had the broth.
Today I got up at 7 for graduation, and had my shake right away. Then we walked a mile to convocation, then a mile to the diploma ceremony, and they had food for us at 11:30. All they had was doughnuts, coffee, and lemonade. No water. I was not allowed to carry anything that wouldn't fit in a fanny pack. Fortunately, my sister lent me her fuel belt. She figured I'd need it worse than her today. So, I had 8oz. of water on me, and a slim fast bar tucked away. I had 1/2 of the bar, even though it's totally off plan and way too many carbs. I couldn't hook up with my family who had my bag until 2:30. Then we walked a mile back to the reception, where I made my shake and drank it outside. There wasn't much that my family cared to eat at the reception, but there was a street festival going on, so family members and boyfriend were stopping for hot dogs, sausages, etc., and there were fries and funnel cakes, but I didn't have them. Then we walked 2 miles back to my apartment, and now I'm going to soak in my tub and relax. I'm really worried about weigh in this week...but I guess whatever happens, happens.

Day 14--End of Week 2

Today wasn't as hard as yesterday. I did give in and try the chocolate cake...a dime sized amount that fit on the end of my finger. Savored that. I also had a few not-ok'ed pickle slices. BUT this makes 2 weeks with no major (i.e. too many calorie, fat, carb) deviations from the plan. No small victory.

So, here are my "things I've noticed" for week 2:
- Foods that weren't tempting before are more tempting now, i.e. I don't really crave junk much at all, aside from one taste. I want to eat good filling foods more.
- my biggest jeans button with ease now
- some underwear comes up to my belly button now
- Still no migraines
- People are already surprised I've stuck with it this long

Day 13--Struggling

The other days, I've gotten through just fine. Even yesterday, the first day at the gym, I wasn't too terribly hungry. Today, for some reason, my stomach has a dull ache...not so much physical as mental, I think. A lot of today I felt like I was torturing myself. I couldn't sleep last night and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep (unrelated to today's feelings of torture). I didn't have coffee because I don't want the same thing to happen tonight (plus, I've skipped coffee about half of the days). I went to the mall with my Mom for a couple hours, and just felt like I was too exhausted to walk and shop slowly for that long. I've never felt like that shopping for the short of a period of time. We went through the food court, and I just tried to turn off all longings for those foods. I got to my boyfriend's and it turned out he had company I didn't expect, so it's now been days since we had any alone time. Plus, the Doritos I made him hide were back out. So was the cake I made on Sunday for his brother's graduation. I put my nose by the cake and smelled that cake for a minute solid. Didn't taste it, not a lick. Had some pickle slices. Thought about cake. Thought about Doritos. Thought about meat. Thought about pasta. Thought about how my Mom thought I would fail within a week, and wouldn't hold it against me if I failed now. Decided today wasn't going to be the day I failed. Not ruling it out, but it's not happening yet. Have to keep battling the "I don't care anymore" demon

Dress woes

So I found out today that my bridesmaid dress will not be in until about 2 weeks before C's wedding. This is concerning. I have 1 month until the dress is in, and if I keep losing at this rate (which I certainly hope to do), the dress will be far too large. I ordered the dress in early March, but they didn't put in the order until all bridesmaids who were ordering through that shop put in their orders. GRRR! I ordered early on purpose since I intended to lose weight and wanted to leave lots of time for alterations. *grumble grumble grumble*

Day 12--1st day of exercise

I got oriented to the fitness center today, which is included in my fees (well, they call it free, but it's not so free when I'm giving the program altogether over $100 a week). I'm to start out at mild to moderate exercise for 3 days a week, 30 minutes. No weights yet, so I don't shock my body. I think it's already shocked that it's lighter and not eating candy! Did my first workout. 10 mins treadmill at 2.5-3.5 mph, 10 mins arc trainer at HR 155 or so, 10 mins elliptical at HR 165 or so.

I mentioned that I get migraines after intense workouts, and the trainer said that her boyfriend always did, until he got put on a low dose of a blood pressure medication. No migraines would be FABULOUS.

Have I mentioned that I'm still migraine free?? YAAAAY!

Day 11--Not Hungry? That's just SICK!

Today was weigh in day. Of course, in my jeans and drinking my water, I weighed in 1.4 lbs. heavier than at home, but still showed a total loss of 5 lbs for the week. I read on the boards today that some diets recommend looking at your average weight loss for weeks 5-10 to help predict how much weight you'll lose per week for the rest of the program. I don't want to see those weeks!!
Of course, by the time I get to them, I could be down a total of 25 lbs, so maybe I'd feel a bit less urgent about losing the weight then? Not sure. All I know is, once I've hit a total loss of 35 lbs, the loss from that point on will be extra sweet, since that means I'll have lost all my grad school weight! 28 lbs of the 35 was re-gain from my last weight loss, but those last 7 were all grad school.

Tonight at midnight I realised I'd better eat if I was going to have 4 beverages today, as I'd only had 2. My Mom said I must be starved, and I told her I wasn't actually hungry at all. Her response? "Not Hungry? That's just SICK!" It's true though...not hungry at all. So I made 2 packets of hot chocolate beverage with too hot of water. One was beyond chunky and most of it went in the trash. The other was still pretty chunky but I choked it down anyways.

This week I also start exercise at the gym. Pretty excited about that! A chance to try my new pretty swimsuit! I do think I'll be much more hungry once I start exercise, and I wonder if I'll actually start losing less because I'm gaining muscle.

Other news of the day is, I got blood drawn, this time from my forearm. Let's see if that is better for the bruising, since my bruise from pre-testing over 3 weeks ago is now ALMOST gone.

Support- Thanks, S.!

Today I got a card from one of my best friends, S., congratulating me on finishing week 1 of the diet and saying how proud she is of me. That means a lot to have the support. I think I'm really going to need it when the weight loss slows, as it inevitably will. If it kept going at this rate, I'd be juuuust fine keeping going to a weight of fabulousness, but that's not realistic. I weigh in officially tomorrow, so I'll update the ticker then.

Day 10- Don't tell the Nazi dietician...

...but I licked the knife after I iced a cake today. It tasted gooood, but I didn't have any more, and didn't even lick the knife clean. I knocked most of the icing off beforehand, but definitely not all. I also had beef broth, which was just about all salt. So, hopefully I still show plenty of loss tomorrow, but it should be fine. Not going for any records here. So yeah...managed to make a cake today and not eat it, and see the boyfriend and his brother chowing down on huge portions of food. It kinda made me feel good in a way (bad in the I WANT IT kind of way). I felt like, hey, I'm being the feminine one here instead of eating like the guys. But I still want a hot dog. And chow mein. I'm kicking myself that I didn't have those one last time before starting the diet.

Day 9

The early part of today was easy. Then I got to my boyfriend's house and saw his Doritos. I want them!!! I had him put them up where I couldn't see them. I made him a burger, and that was ok. I also saw people having a cookout when I was out and about. That reminded me of our annual family "camping" trip. I initially wanted to tough it out and stay on plan through the whole weekend. Now, I'm thinking I'd rather be off the diet by then. I don't know how realistic that is at this point. Expected weight loss is 3-5 lbs. per week. In order to be at my goal weight by the camping trip, I would need to lose 4.5 lbs per week, so well in the high end of the range. Women don't typically lost that fast. I doubt I would as well, since I'm at a lower weight that a lot of people starting this diet. If I lose 3.5 lbs per week, I should be able to be in the range to go on to maintenance. Why so urgent? Cause I want a fresh roasted hot dog, burger, and corn. That is all.

Day 8---Week 1 DONE!

Well, here I am, one week in, and I haven't really slipped up yet (if you disregard the salt). No fabulous weight report yet, as I'm at my apartment with a different scale than I've been using. Hoping for a great weigh in on Monday when that time of the month is over.

After one week I've noticed:
- I'm less short of breath
- I can put on my shoes easier
- Underwear that dug in before is comfortable again
- My largest jeans no longer hurt to wear after being washed
- Restaurant portion sizes started to look disgustingly large
- I feel physically hungry within 5 minutes of something stressful happening or being said

Day 6---Still Truckin

Today was MUCH better than yesterday. A little hungry, but in a better mood. Had a job interview and it went better than expected!! It's not exactly where I would like to work...it's in another county, and it's home based family therapy. But it would be a good stepping stone. Just don't want to decide too early. On plan today, except for 1 pickle slice, 1 peanut, and 1 3/4 inch long piece of turkey bacon.

Had some more conversations with family about eating for my graduation. This diet makes people feel bad. In my mind, it really shouldn't. I mean, if we go out to a restaurant, yes, I'd rather it not be my favorite place, but it's my choice to do this diet. I wanted to go to extremes to lose the weight, and that means learning to live differently and break habits. One of those habits is eating when people expect me to eat (admittedly, not a hard expectation to make).

Sleepy today. That is all. Not a hint of a headache though!!!!

Flexing Your Self-Sabatoge Muscle (reposted from Liquid Diet Discussion Boards-- Thanks Hamilton!)

Hi Guys,

I was reading about someone on the board the other day that was talking about how they often sabotage themselves whenever they have success. Meaning, if they have lost weight, they will celebrate by eating. Or, if they have reached a goal, they'll immediately find themselves justifying eating something that is off the program. After reading this, I began giving this some thought and considering my own experiences and how I had also done things like this in the past. In fact, I think that most everyone is guilty of doing this. Its not that we are afraid of the future or what success represents, its only that we are looking for an excuse to fall back into our old behaviors. In fact, its safe to say that in walking away from your past and your old habits of eating or turning to food for various reasons, the overall process can be very painful and uncomfortable. Almost like leaving an old friend that you want to turn back to for support, but know that you can't. Then, when we are doing our best, we then immediately resort back to old habits.

So, in thinking about this, I realized that just like I had to learn how to flex my own temptation muscle to learn how to no longer give into the foods that I craved, I also had to learn how to flex my own self sabotage muscle. Meaning, along the journey, I had to come to terms with the fact that I would often take two steps forward, then one step back. Yes, I was always making progress, but until I learned to stop self sabotaging myself, I was truly never going to leave the old life behind and allow myself to create a new one. So, just like I had to learn to not give into temptations or cravings, I also had to learn that self sabotaging myself was also equal to not allowing myself to grow as an individual. And, as painful as it was....when the time came when I wanted to sabotage myself again, I simply refused to. I make the choice to stick to the plan. I made the mental choice to no longer repeat the past, but truly take the first steps in living my new life. And, you know what....It felt great!!! And, even more important, in doing this, I used what I called my self sabotage muscle for the first time. I flexed a muscle that I didn't know that I had and I proved to myself that I could do it. Of course, the good news is that once you have done it once, it only gets easier. And, just like I had to learn how to flex muscle for not giving into temptations and cravings, I also had to learn how to flex a muscle for not sabotaging myself. And, time has only proven to make this muscle stronger and stronger.

Anyway, I just wanted to write a little bit about this since I know that its an issue that many people face. So, consider this a muscle just like any other. Its a muscle that you need to flex and use, and the more you do it, the stronger you will get and the more your new life will begin to unfold.

So, are you ready to flex your self sabotage muscle?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

- Hamilton
http://www.liquiddietdiscussion.com/show.php?topic_id=253037

Day 4-- Frustrated with Dietician at the Center

Ok, so I'm at 4 days on plan...in my mind. In the dietician's mind, I'm 1 day on plan. Apparently the directions weren't explained to me very well. The first dietician said that calories aside from shakes on my plan were not to exceed 40 calories or 10 carbs, whichever came first. APPARENTLY, it was also not supposed to be any items that weren't on the list.
So, for the past 3 days I did calculations and figured out what would be ok in plan. One day I added 1/4 teaspoon of parmesan cheese to a baked version of my chicken soup. It was fewer than 20 calories. Two days I had 1 tablespoon milk in my coffee. All days I had 2 pickle slices.
The dietician looked at my list and said "you can't have this. Why did you have this?" and I said, well, I thought I could, I stayed by these guidelines. And she says "Oh, no no no, on this diet you can NOT have any of these things, and that's probably why your weight loss is not as much as it should be"....I lost 3.5 lbs in 4 days. The woman is nuts. She also wanted me to cut out the chicken broth even though it's on the allowed list, because she's afraid I'm retaining water. Um...yeah...I get migraines. I drink the broth when I feel a headache coming on, and it seems to help. I've been having a bit of loose stool, too, so I would be HAPPY to retain some water in my body and not coming out the other end. Not to mention, my blood pressure has NEVER been a problem. So leave my salt alone!!!
Then she saw the milk: "MILK, why did you have MILK???"
It's so silly. Sugar Free creamers are on the list. The milk did not exceed the specifications of the diet, and actually had less fat than the creamers!
My mom's a dietician, so I've been asking her advice the whole time, and thinks these distinctions between what I can have and can't have are completely arbitrary. For instance, salad spritzers are allowed, but lettuce is not.

Anyways...I've decided that I'm going to stick to the diet as best I can, keep the carbs under 10 and the calories under 40, and if I need a pickle or some broth to make it, I'm going to have them, dagnabit!

Message Board- What We Large Ladies Have in Common

I have to admit, I'm a message board junkie. I love finding a place where people congregate with the same problem to create a supportive environment. Heck, I'd like a self-help group here, but I'm already online, and then there's no scheduling problem.

It's so good to see that there are so many women on the board who are like me in how they felt about their eating. Really, the mentality doesn't seem to be much different between the woman my size, 50 lbs lighter, and 200 lbs heavier.
We:
- Care a lot about other people
- Have close relationships with friends and families
- Worry. About everything.
- Don't feel like we have time to think about food
- Think eating favorite foods will make us feel better
- Realise it does feel better for a second
- Associate food with guilt
- Have tried to lose weight, many times, and many ways
- Know a lot about weight loss and how the body works
- Want to be more active
- Get lower than low when our bodies are criticized as we are trying to work out, making it much harder to try again
- Have been called fat by strangers
- Find it very hard to see beauty in ourselves

There are many more qualities we share, most of us who have come to the point of trying a liquid diet. I think we all realised at some point we needed to be put in "food prison" where the choices are very limited. Then we can think about our actions (our crimes against our bodies, as it were), and work to discover how to change a total approach to food, and eating. There's a lot of criticism for making that choice, but believe me, it is not something to be done impulsively. In my mind, it is second to surgery, saying: this is out of hand, I am out of control, and this needs to stop. It's so easy from the outside to say, well, just don't buy it, don't eat it. If only it were that simple. It's not. Ask the ladies of the liquid diet message board.

Day 3---Success!

And still no slip ups! I went to the movie theater and avoided all the temptations. Of course, my boyfriend called me before meeting me at the theater telling me he was picking up snacks for the movie (some of my favorite candies), and asking if I wanted anything. I took this as meaning, anything he could pick up from the store, NOT anything to eat during the movie (or I'm at least trying to take it that way). So I asked him for a big bottle of water and some sugar free jello. This is major progress from a couple days ago when he couldn't convince me to put the second flavor of ice cream and its associated toppings back on the shelf at the store. Admittedly, he didn't try very hard, and I was pretty convincing about the need for Reese's syrup. Thank goodness he's thin, but it also means he doesn't suffer from the eating! Grarr. End of story, he followed through with the water and jello and all was well. I can't help but think he'll save money on this...no taking me out to dinner and whatnot.

Anyways, it's 2 AM and I'm finally going to make my 4th shake. Not NEARLY as hungry as yesterday either. The scale registered another 2 lbs off, which I'm not counting until the official weigh in after all my daily water tomorrow. THEN we shall update the ticker, yes we shall.

I didn't drink as much water today either, and felt worse for it. A little pain in the morning, but a couple ibuprofen took care of it (no aspirin allowed on this diet). As I type this, I'm trying to guzzle down the rest of my water for the day. I'm trying to aim for at least 10 cups worth, though program goal is 8. I hit 9 cups now, so here's to making goal.

Skip the next line if you don't like to read about intestinal effects:
Got a bit of diarrhea today...nothing toooo horrible, just a 10 minute bout of "uh oh, gotta go". Perhaps the chocolate with fiber shake is a bad idea at this point?

Day 2--No Headache Yet!

Well, I slept in plenty today, and woke up feeling just fine, no headache! Even though I knew I shouldn't, I stepped on the scale today and was 4 lbs. lighter than yesterday morning, or 228.4 lbs. I'm not recording any weight loss in the ticker until my "official" weigh in though, which will be Monday.
I ended up having 13 cups of water yesterday, 4 beverages, some coffee, some chicken broth, and sugar free jello.
Today I'm definitely not as hungry as yesterday, but things are looking so much more tempting. Like those chips in the cupboard or a baked cheeto. In the past, I would just eat as much of the bag as I wanted and didn't feel like I could resist...but today I touched a bag of candy and put it away. Macaroni and cheese looks good, too. Two days ago, I would have made a recipe of it and eaten the whole thing.

I tried a recipe for mint brownies made out of one of my beverages. They were not good at all. Bad texture, not chocolatey enough, too much peppermint and it tasted like alcohol still. I measured wrong and had to make a double batch. Even though it means I am wasting a mix, I can't eat the second recipe's brownies. Too gross. I even tried spreading out 1 teaspoon's worth of icing between 12 of them (from a mini muffin pan), but it did not help enough.

Today overall, I don't feel any worse than I did yesterday. My head is still clear, feel like I have ok energy, but I'm a little shaky.

Day 1

So last night I met with the dietician and got more details on the program, and got my first week's worth of beverages. Every week I have to attend a class, get weighed, see the dietician, turn in my log of what I ate and drank...all that good stuff. I meet with the Dr. once per month, and get blood drawn every other week, which means I will be constantly bruised. I cannot get the product without being seen at the clinic because there is a significant risk, especially for gallbladder problems. The diet puts you into ketosis, which is not a natural state, and is dangerous if not monitored. Ketosis does allow you to metabolize fat, which can have some gross side effects like ketosis breath.

Diet details for me:
4 beverages, totaling about 800 calories
40 calories or a max of 10 carbs per day, whichever comes first
At least 1/2 gallon (8 cups) of water per day

I prepared for today by eating a bunch of pizza last night. Bad, bad, girl. Had a sundae too. But, if saying goodbye to those binges means being able to look at myself in pictures again, that's not so bad, right?

So, on to the Day 1 experience:
- started the day with a bit of a headache
- was hungry when I woke up around 10:30 (hurrah for being done with school! Weep for no job yet)
- Prepared a mocha beverage by 11:30. It wasn't so bad! No chunks or anything due to the shaker, and a milkier taste than I thought.
- Prepared a cup of coffee, and put it in the freezer to chill. I heard it's pretty bad mixed with the beverage when hot
- Created a schedule for beverages for myself. I have been staying up late and wanted one beverage at midnight, so I scheduled beverages for 11, 3, 7, and midnight.
- Mixed half the beverage with the coffee. Bitter. Added a pack of Splenda. Pretty tasty.
- Finished my first beverage and 4 cups of water by 1:00
- Felt hungry by 2:30. Hid some tempting foods. Made a cup of chicken broth.
- Drank second beverage, this one a chocolate one, over the course of 10 minutes, 3:00-3:10.
- Felt hungry by 4:30. Finished 4 more cups of water. Ate a 1/2 inch cube of tomato. I still don't like tomato.

It is now 5:30. No headache yet. Feeling pretty good except for being hungry. Starting to get a little metallic taste in my mouth.

First Appointment- Meeting on Portion Control

After the medical exam, I went for a weekly meeting to teach all the "Skills of Eating Healthily" as it were.
Today's topic was Portion Distortion, or, how Americans like to clean their oversized plates. Nothing particularly new to me in this lecture, but a good reminder about how much I do over eat, even though I like to ignore it. I know I should never get anything bigger than a small when I get fast food. But I get the Biggie every once in awhile cause I'm really hungry and I think, wow, that's a lot of fries. Certainly that can fill my tummy with yummy potatoey goodness! But ya know what? The potato part of my tummy can never be filled. I doubt there are enough fries in the world to make me feel like I've had enough potatoes. What can I say? They're tasty!

Point of this story: I like potatoes.

Moral of the story: Potatoes won't fill you up. More potatoes will not taste any better than less potatoes.

I also met people and asked for tips on making the diet work. They said, start just one day at a time, get the chocolate beverage with fiber in it (eeeps, constipation!), and do the program as described. One thing I noticed was the breath....ketosis breath. I will need mints. It was yucky. I was definitely the youngest person in the room aside from the dietician, so I think I will have to seek more peer support from a discussion board I found online.

First Appointment- Medical Exam

I had my first appointment last night. Unbeknownst to me, this meant I was to be starting today! Eep!
Here's how it went:
I went in and paid big money for the blood work and EKG and the initial history and physical.
Next, I went and got said physical. The doctor asked about my current medications and conditions and went over my blood work. All the blood work was normal except for cholesterol and triglycerides. My cholesterol was 263, triglycerides 236. Considering my diet for the past year and a half, I am one lucky girl. I was certain that this would be the time when my love of carbs finally caught up to me and hit me with the diabetes stick.
Next, he went over any physical complaints. I told him about my migraines, and he didn't consider this to rule me out of the program, especially because my meds work (YAY Maxalt! I love you!). I think the Dr. is used to seeing middle aged patients because he initially assumed my glasses were for reading. He asked numerous times about back and knee pain. Fortunately, I haven't had those except for some back pain when I wash dishes. Of course, as I write this, my back feels a little achy. Stupid power of suggestion. He listened to my breathing, checked my eyes, nose, throat, ears, all that good stuff. I really wish I had used a Q-tip yesterday.
Then he asked me about my goal weight. Talk about a weighty question. I told him I could live with 175 (I'm 5'3), but would really like to be more like 145 eventually. He said since I have few health concerns, I could choose 130, 150, or 170 (he wouldn't let me consider above 170). So I picked 170. I hope to go well below this. 130 would be a dream, but 170 would put me at my lowest weight since 2003, which sounds fabulous.

End of story: I got medical clearance to start the program.

First Appointment Preparation (i.e. horrible horrible indulgence)

So, in preparing for my first appointment, I did exactly what you are not supposed to do. I worked on finishing all my food. This meant a candy binge. The bag needed to go, right? My one regret is that I didn't eat my chow mein. It is so tasty! But the good news is, it's low enough in calories that I'm sure I'll be back eating it at the end of the liquid diet. So, mainly I indulged in burgers and fries. Of course, I didn't really enjoy them, which is true of much of my overeating.
I'll tell you what I did enjoy, however. Pasta. Tortellini with margarine, spices (lots of garlic) and fresh grated parmesan cheese. Tasted like heaven.
My last guilty day of cleaning out food in my apartment was also my last day to finish my very last paper of grad school, which I had procrastinated horribly.
Here's my horrible horrible diet for the day:
1 starbucks grande peppermint mocha
1 starbucks prepackaged vanilla frappuccino
1 starbucks glazed doughnut
and
2 servings Ore Ida tater tots

That got me through finishing the paper and turning it in (YAY!)
By night I was starving so I drove through Taco Bell for Tacos! My normal way, without lettuce (hate lettuce...no flavor, just yucky texture messing up the taco).

Needless to say, I gained weight since I decided to do this program, about 2 lbs since making the appointment. Letting go of old habits is a pain.