First Appointment Scheduled!

I may not have done much of what I said I'd do today, but I did schedule my first appointment for the program. May 1st, 5:15PM. J offered to come with me, and I looked at him funny. It's a history and physical kind of thing. He said, well, I'm trying to be supportive and spend time with you. Goofy butt, he is. Sweet intentions though. Here's hoping that he keeps that up through the diet and stops buying so many tempting cookies!!

Stupid mower

Stupid mower wouldn't start. Is it a decent workout trying and trying to get it to start? Ok, probably not. I wussed out on going for a walk this evening because I was heading over to spend quality time with the boyfriend. Of course, he'd been working like a fiend all day and barely had enough energy to talk. He says if I stick around here instead of heading back to my apartment tomorrow he'll find some energy. He just wanted to watch TV tonight. I asked him what he would do without TV and he didn't know. That's sad. He comes from a big TV-watching family, and I don't really, so I'd get used to it pretty quickly. Kinda makes me want to unplug his cable. I have a love/hate relationship with TV. I love some of the shows, but it really sucks my time and energy. Ok, time to read and get away from the screen.

Paperwork is in the Mail, Doobie Doobie Doo

Title sums it up. 10 pages and 2 stamps later, the paperwork is in the mail. So, Monday I will call and get myself an appointment to go over my labs and all that good stuff!! Now that school is almost done, it's getting a little easier to think about what I'm going to eat, though the snacking urges are still out of control. I'm still thinking no more than 4 months on the restricted diet, and we'll see if it even works with my life....we'll see if I even get a job!!! I did send out one more resume yesterday, so that's a bit of progress. That makes 3 out there. Not too many.
As I'm prepping for the next step, I am getting a little healthier stuff around me, like my yummy Propel water. I really do drink more fluid when I have the stuff around, and it's cheap at Sam's club. Got some good 100 calorie snacks, too, as opposed to my bag o' candy I had been hitting. Sad that I feel bad about mentioning the bag of candy, just cause it's so stereotypical "fat person" behavior. And that kind of thing is not what made me overweight in the first place! I could go on musing about this, but I'm going to go get gas for the mower and get active.

Paperwork Didn't Happen

I got sidetracked today...headachy, and a more complicated process for getting the cats to the vet than anticipated. So the paperwork did not get run in. I WILL get it in the mail tomorrow though, extra stamps be darned, and WILL call on Monday about setting an initial appointment. Scary? Definitely.
On the plus side, I have started a list of places to apply for jobs, to start organizing that so I can just get on with it!!

Paperwork=Done!!

I finished the paperwork for the program! Go me! I think I'll run it to the center tomorrow just to get it in. 10 pages of paperwork. Blurg.

Getting Nervous

So today is about pushing forward and just going for it. As I think about actually turning in the paperwork, I'm having second thoughts. I like food. I really really do like food. Otherwise I wouldn't be the way I am. And I've made a few better choices lately, even if things are otherwise out of control. I think some of my nerves were triggered when I mentioned the other day that it's hard to turn down some kind of food, and she said that it has to be harder to do a liquid diet. Which is true. I know I'll do better with it if I just stop thinking about it and just do it. In the past, I've had more problems the more I thought about the concept of the diet or the people putting together the diet. It's kind of the story of my life though; a lot of thinking not much doing. So here goes...I'm going to get off the computer now and go finish the application. Tomorrow I can drop it off in person and ask some questions, hopefully. Like, how long until an orientation meeting? When can I start?

Pre-Testing

So, back in March I attended an informational meeting on the diet, and got to try one of the shakes. Not the best thing in the world, not the worst either. Frankly, at the meeting I decided not to do the diet. Too expensive. Then the weight kept coming and I still couldn't trust myself. So, hence, I found a way to do it.
I finally went and got my pre-testing done. This means blood drawn, urine test, and EKG. Hurrah? I now have a big bright purple bruise on my arm, even though the nurse did a pretty good job of taking the blood. I have just always bruised badly with blood work. The bruise is the color of the bridesmaid dress I'm wearing in July, almost exactly. Maybe I'll get another one in time for the wedding, just to match!!
I also started filling out the large amounts of paperwork, including a number of questionnaires about my habits. Basically, yes, I am an emotional eater. Knew that. I AM a little worried about the program because they don't want you to do it if you are sensitive to Nutrasweet. I've attributed headaches to it in the past, but they didn't happen every time I had it, so I checked the "yes" box but wrote a note that said I sometimes get headaches but not always. I don't want them to exclude me!! But I'm comforted by all the testing anyways. Makes me feel like they're not out to sell me something that's not right for me. More like a medical procedure, oddly enough, than a diet. So, now I just need to finish the paperwork, send it in, and schedule an initial visit so we can see where we go from here. We shall see how scary the blood work is. I've had high cholesterol in the past and have been TERRIBLE as far as watching what I eat for, hmm, the past year and a half. Will post the results in all their frightening glory when I get them.
Ok, computer about to die, and I lost the cord. Like, really lost it. No clue where it is. I charged my computer in the car. Go me?

Start of Something New

Welcome to my new blog. I suppose I should start by saying a little bit about me and how this blog came to be. I'm in my mid-twenties and just about to get my master's degree in a social service field (huzzah!). I've been with my wonderful boyfriend J for over 3 years now, though we don' t live together...I'm old fashioned in that way, at least. One of our cats is staring at me right now, wishing I would leave her alone to sleep on my pants in peace.
Now, that brings me to the pants. They're big. Size 20. Not the biggest, mind you, but well within plus size territory. Now, I was never slender for long but was fortunate enough to be between sizes 7 and 11 through high school, and you better believe I thought I was huge then. Since then I've yo-yoed quite a bit. Up, down, up, down. Tried a few things, got frustrated at working very hard at diet and exercise and seeing no loss of inches or pounds for over a month, gave up.
Always knew what I should be eating. My mom is a dietician. I'm picky, though, and what my mom describes as "overly sensual". Sounds slutty, no? Turns out she means that I don't like anything but my favorite foods...either love it or hate it. Yes, I'm picky. Very picky. The list of foods I eat is shorter than the list of things I don't eat. I've been in a gradual process of changing this, little by little. A little spinich on a sandwich here, a little fresh fruit instead of canned there. Anyways, enough on that.
So, what brought me here? My last diet was with a commercial weight loss company that has since gone under. They wanted me to eat salad. I rebelled. I still lost 12 lbs. I got mad that they kept wanting me to buy more products. I stopped going and tried sparkpeople.com, lost 10 more pounds, started grad school and decided I was too stressed to watch what I was eating. Gained 10 lbs over Christmas break, and kept gaining until I did the couch to 5k program for a few months. Started grad school again, and have been gaining since.
At this point, I feel more out of control with my eating than I ever have. I go to the store with a list, and end up buying 3-4 kinds of snack foods that are not on my list, feeling bad about it the whole time. I reconsider and reconsider it, but feel out of control, come home, and eat the whole package in one night. I checked to make sure I don't meet the criteria for binge eating disorder. Apparently not.
As my weight crept up, I started feeling desperate. I found out people my weight and height would meet the basic requirements for bariatric surgery, which is crazy to me. At 10 lbs lighter I was able to jog for 40 minutes straight! But it did tell me that something's got to give. I started thinking about dieting constantly, but couldn't make myself lay off the sweets. So I did some more research, and found out about a local hospital's medically supervised weight loss plan and decided to look further into it.
The hospital offers a very low calorie diet (VLCD) that is not for the faint of heart. It involves putting the body into ketosis, where it metabolizes fat to produce energy, because only 800-1000 calories are consumed per day. Because of this, close medical monitoring is required to reduce health risks. For the plan I am starting, this will mean weekly meetings and medical monitoring. It also means giving up solid food for awhile, using only shakes or puddings.
I've encountered a lot of resistance to this diet, and I can see why. I would have shaken myself for it 35 lbs ago. But my reasons for going this direction are:
1. I can't trust myself in a grocery story
2. My taste for sweets has been such that I cannot be trusted if they are nearby. I feel like an addict.
3. I'm to the point where I am quite uncomfortable with daily tasks.
4. It is medically monitored, and I need now to pay more attention to my health and how I am affecting it with my habits
Basically, the drive comes from needing to "reset" my body and my hunger and relearn how to eat...try to get rid of more of my pickiness so I have the taste to succeed. Experience some success so I don't give up.
On that note, a note about comments. This is to be a positive place, not a place for hate. If you don't like what I'm writing, skip to another blog. I've enabled comments so that people with similar struggles can share their thoughts, not to allow a place for overt criticism of my life choices.